The Full English

You'll laugh out loud.

The Full English is a hilarious travel memoir of a disastrous trip when author Bull Garlington took his family on a bus tour of the United Kingdom. They were trapped in a hermetically sealed English touring coach with people who were extremely youth challenged and bordering on dead, driven for hours and hours every day in this warm, comfortable tube, after starting their morning with a heaping portion of the national breakfast which includes a ridiculously large portion of beans.
About the Book
The Full English is a finalist for Foreward Reviews’ Humor Book of the Year.

The Full English is the hilarious story of a father’s failed attempt to take his family on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the United Kingdom, a disastrous trip ruined by his stratospheric expectations, his inner American, ennui fatigue, his wife’s meddling in his perfect plans, Alabama, his children’s massive indifference, the Doctor Who experience, ginger cookie based chemical warfare, mimes, sheep, The Beatles, a hermetically sealed bus full of the elderly, a militant librarian, and England’s classic breakfast which consists almost entirely of canned beans.

This is not a guidebook. It isn’t Fodor’s or a Lonely Planet guide. God knows such literature would be quite helpful if you plan, like the author, to take your family on an epic journey. The Full English won’t. Not even a little. It will teach you diddly squat about Jolly Olde England. Instead, it will lead you deeper and deeper into the author’s pervasive bad attitude, arrogant disregard for the comfort of his fellow traveling companions, and a sense of humor which is best described, and we’re being diplomatic here, as juvenile, puerile, egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, and ever so slightly, just the teensy-weensiest bit culturally insensitive and perhaps borderline racist to Brits, Scots, Irish, Canadians, and the Japanese.

You’ll watch helplessly as your author falls prey to coach tour comforts and the narcoleptic effect of the U.K.s endless supply of roadside sheep herds, sleeping through 90% of his trip of a lifetime. You’ll be on the edge of your seat as he rails against the Beatles and (for some reason) Erskine Caldwell. Finally, you’ll rally alongside him as he prepares himself for mortal combat, facing an enemy far beyond his skill set, the nemesis we meet in the very beginning of the trip who menaces him every step of the way, and whom he must, somehow, triumph over, the angriest librarian in the world, the meanest old lady on the bus, and Garlington’s arch enemy: Mildred.

Genre: Travel Memoir
Publication Year: 2017
Format: Trade Paperback
Length: 242 Pages
ISBN: 1684197929

List Price: 15.99
Even if you never plan on visiting those isles across the big pond yourself, to accompany this Bull Garlington – a short, fat, out-of-shape, somewhat grouchy and not uninsightful and alarmingly funny man – as he struggles through Piccadilly Circus and The Dr. Who Experience and Strawberry Fields and around the various lochs, fens, tarns, etc, of Scotland and The Irish Castle With All The Rampant Codpieces On Active Display … to accompany him as he fights for his basic human dignity and his right to pass gas like some kind of relentless, rampaging, kaiju-level fartmonster – against obstacles both geological (steep inclines!) and human (Mildred!)